Bunny Love
by MistressMurder93
Summary: NOT THE BUTTERS/KENNY TYPE. Just another coming-of-age tale of the four juveniles of Colorado. Just like old fanfiction of lore, South Park Elementary parts the seas for a new girl...who is DIFFERENT! ...Groundbreaking, isn't it? Meanwhile, Cartman strives to become "the walking talking Stephen Hawking".
1. Chapter 1

**_So this is my first South Park fanfiction. Sorry if it sucks - I've tried to make it as entertaining as possible. Enjoy!_**

* * *

**_Chapter 1_**

The moments before school time in South Park Elementary were always the sleepiest, particularly on Mondays. So when Butters disturbed the slumberous age before first period on a Monday morning, it came as a sort of surprise.

"FELLAS! HEH-HEY, FELLAS!" The little blond kid went whizzing down the corridors, causing Craig to snap out of a malaise and causing Tweek to jump out of his skin, not for the umpteenth time. "FELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!"

"BUTTERS! Would you STFU, I'm talking to Kyle!" Cartman barked obnoxiously.

"Uhh, STFU?" asked Butters, coming to a halt at last. "Well, wha-what does that stand for?"

"Quit calling Mel Brooks a queer, you dumbass!" Kyle yelled at the obese kid we all hate to love.

"What? Listen Kyle, all I'm saying is he's Jewish, so he should be in the ass-munching business, not the filmmaking business."

"You're such a dick!" Kyle shouted.

Cartman put on his best manipulative whine. "But the ass-munching biz-nuuuuuuuuuss!"

Kyle turned to Stan and Kenny, the passive observers of this debate. "Dude, back me up here."

To Kyle's dismay, Stan shrugged. "Gotta give it to fatass here, his last movie did suck."

"Ay! Don't call me fatass!" Cartman ordered.

"Mummphmuphmmphumphuhmph," said Kenny. Stan and Kyle laughed mockingly at Cartman.

"Hey, fellas! I gotta tell y'all somethin'! It's, uh, kinda a emergency," Butters stammered before Cartman could rip on them any further.

"What is it, Butters?" asked Kyle.

Nervous, Butters fiddled with his hands.

"Uhh, well I…I just heard from the principal's office. It seems, uh, we got a…" He tailed off, going red.

"We got what, dude?" asked Stan.

"A…uh…d'aw, I can't stand it no longer! We got a new girl in our class!" Butters burst out.

Silence.

"That's it?" asked Stan.

"Well, yeah," said Butters. "Mm'boy, I woulda thought you'd be more surprised."

"Butters," said Cartman, "this is the seventy-eighth..."

"Mumphumphmphmumph," said Kenny.

"Seventy-ninth, yeah – this is the seventy-ninth time somebody has written in a new girl to a fanfiction."

"Yeah, and we know how it goes down," added Kyle. "She's going to be absolutely perfect and one way or another, one of us is gonna fall head-over-heels in love with her and then get dumped on and then go through all the hardship and pain you go through when that happens to you because chicks reading this crap love all that kind of drama – it happens all the time."

"Surprised you haven't figured that out, Butters," said Stan.

"Muh-mphmphmuhmuhmumph," contributed Kenny.

Butters played with his hands even more. "Oh. But…but see, fellas, she's…she's kinda different alright."

"Different?" said Kyle.

"Yeah, how could she be different from the rest of the other girls? They all had the same motives," said Stan.

"Mumph," Kenny agreed.

"No fellas, this time, she's _actually different_," Butters enthused.

"Oh! Well there's a big f*cking surprise!" Cartman gushed sarcastically. "Of course she's gotta be different, otherwise she'll be just like all the other one-dimensional characters that come along and f*ck with our lives! EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE OF THOSE BITCHES WAS VASTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST! THEY ALL HAD BLACK HAIR, BLUE EYES AND LISTENED TO LINKIN PARK!"

"Don't you get it, Butters?" asked Stan. "That's just the way the fanfiction system works. We get a new girl every other fanfiction, when Kyle and I aren't having buttsex in the bathrooms. Chicks lap it up like cream. They love to see us get used and abused by their creations because, well, that's what some girls with no life and no real boyfriends do."

"Uh, they sure do have boyfriends, Stan," said Butters defensively. His hands couldn't leave each other alone. "I mean, uh, they may be weird and stalker-y and glitter when the sun comes out…"

"Butters," said Cartman, putting a hand on the blond child's shoulder. "Those girls are a different breed of fanfiction writers altogether. They're what we call the Twilight fans."

"Twilight fans?!" Butters exclaimed.

"Yeah, girls who don't have boyfriends so they latch onto the latest craze to pretend they're actually part of something and imagine they're the girl in the story that have a gay vampire who stalks them and watches them while they sleep," said Kyle. "The Twilight fanbase is probably the biggest girl-centred fanbase in the entire world, next to Justin Bieber's."

"They also tend to be the stupidest," said Stan.

"Mmphmuhmphmmphmphmuhmphmmphmphmuhmuhmmphmphmphmph ," completed Kenny.

"Oh. Alright then," said Butters. "So…so who's it gonna be this time?"

"Whaddya mean?" asked Kyle.

"Who's gonna, uh, fall in love with her and pick some pretty flowers for her, only to have them ripped apart in front of your eyes and be cheated on with Bebe's new badman and be all sick and miserable and depressed for the next six months?"

The boys all looked at each other with some level of anxiety. A silence filled the corridor.

Then Cartman broke it.

"Screw you guys – I'm goin' home!"

"Cartman, it's school," said Kyle.

"Laters," Cartman retorted, waddling away.

"If you ditch school again, they'll show you your mom's home-made videos," added Stan.

Reluctantly, Cartman ambled back to them, a huge frown on his face.

"Ah am soooooo pissed off right nawh."

And with that, the South Park boys went back into the fanfiction.

* * *

_**So there ya have it. Who thinks this girl is going to be any different from the last three hundred and fifty-six? She might not be, I mean, I made her up, so...yeah, probably just another Mary-Sue. Who do you think is going to fall into an ultimately doomed romance with her? Will I be bothered to continue making up this crap? The questions are endless.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2 is here and it's bigger, longer and...not uncut because there was nothing really to cut. Sorry if you think it sucks. Your sentiments will be quickly disregarded. However, if you somehow like it and think I should carry on writing, please let me know. Enjoy.**_

* * *

_**Chapter 2**_

"Okay children, let's hurry up and take our seats," said Mr Garrison as the children filed into their classroom. "Today we will be learning about the most important issue that has surfaced in modern-day education: the Kardashians and their ploys to take over the world."

"Mr Garrison," piped up a voice that belonged to Wendy. "Are you sure that's relevant to our lives as fourth grade students?"

"I don't give a tiny rat's ass, Wendy. I'm tryin'a get fired here," came the stark reply. "Now, the Kardashian sisters have already irritated the world with their buns of doom and their stupid, meaningless existence in the elite socialite life, but what I want to talk with you about is…"

"Mr Garrison, Timmy is stuck in the door," Kyle said with his hand up. Sure enough, Timmy was in the doorway, one wheel of his wheelchair further into the classroom than the other and he was jabbing away at the joystick, nervously murmuring 'Timmy…Timmy…' as the wheelchair revved meekly.

"Kyle, don't interrupt," said Mr Garrison.

As he continued to garble on about the annoying family's reality series, a pair of hands took hold of Timmy's wheelchair handles and pushed it through the doorway. Kyle watched as the most beautiful young woman he had ever seen walked into the room behind Timmy and his jaw hit the floor.

She was radiant. Her appearance had a golden glow that was somehow sticky sweet, like honey. Her wavy, shoulder-length hair was golden-brown, her skin was bronzed and luminous and her eyes…wow, those eyes…her eyes were a strange mix of peppermint green, grey and brown and when she greeted the classroom with a wide smile, her pearly white teeth shone like moonlight caught on a ripple of water. She was young, probably early twenties at most, and she walked like a goddess. She was slim, but had curves in all the right places. She was so predictably beautiful, so alike to the previous girls that had been, broken their hearts and gone and Kyle knew she would be no different. Kyle couldn't help but fall for her right there and then.

"Aw, shit," muttered Kyle.

"Ah, there she is," said Mr Garrison, gesturing towards the beautiful stranger. "Kids, I'd like you to meet the new girl. She's moved all the way from Michigan and she's gonna be Timmy's support teacher. That means she helps him because he's a retard. Everyone, this is Miss Bunny."

Cartman choked back on laughter.

"Miss Bunny, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?" asked Mr Garrison.

"Um…isn't that kind of thing reserved for students only?" asked Miss Bunny in return.

"Goddamn it, I'm tryin'a get fired!" Mr Garrison exclaimed.

"Okay," Miss Bunny complied. "Well hello there, children."

No reply.

"I've been hired as a support teacher for the less able students."

Everybody caught Timmy gloating slightly.

"But I'm not reserved exclusively for Timmy," Miss Bunny continued. "I'm here for the sake of anyone here who will ever need me."

Everybody caught Timmy off-guard there.

"Uh, let's see," Miss Bunny continued. "I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all."

"Ask her if she has hepatitis," came Mr Garrison's voice.

"Excuse me?" asked Miss Bunny.

"Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. Mr Hat, behave yourself! Uh, would you say that you have any quirks or flaws that we need to be aware of?"

The young lady produced a heart-warming smile. "Nope, I am perfect in every way."

_You don't say_, thought Kyle.

"No surprises there," muttered Stan, rolling his eyes.

Cartman raised his hand. "Miss Bunny?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm perfect in every way too," Cartman replied angelically. He then omitted a loud fart. The class laughed. Even Miss Bunny stifled a giggle. Mr Garrison, however, was not impressed.

"Children!" he yelled. "Behave yourselves! Now, I expect you all to be very nice to Miss Bunny and make her feel welcome. She's here for your benefit. Now, have a seat, Miss Bunny. Let's resume our class for today."

Miss Bunny took a seat beside Timmy. Kyle couldn't take his eyes off her. She was just so…

"Dude, the new teacher is totally gay," Cartman muttered to Stan.

Kenny chuckled.

"I don't care, dude, she's just another teacher," said Stan.

"Dude," said Kyle, whose eyes were locked onto Miss Bunny. "She's _beautiful_."

* * *

At lunch, the boys lined up in the cafeteria. Timmy had become a celebrity all of a sudden. The fourth grade boys surrounded him and bombarded him with questions.

"Timmy, was Miss Bunny nice?" asked Butters.

"Of course she was nice!" said Craig. "The real question is, how big are her tits?"

"Yeah, did you sneak a peek at them down her top?" asked Clyde.

"I say, Timmy, she certainly is a sporting young girl," said Pip.

"What perfume does she wear?" asked Token.

"What do her hands feel like?!" asked Tweek.

"Does she r-ru-rub up against you under the table?" asked Jimmy.

"Yeah, is she one of those female child molesters?" asked Craig.

"Oh, please say she's a female child molester, Timmy," begged Butters.

Beat.

"TIMMY!"

"Dude, this is stupid," said Stan in the queue. "They only like her because she's pretty. If she were all fat and ugly and had smaller boobs, they wouldn't give a damn about her."

"But the thing is, Stan," said Kyle, "she's not just pretty, she's…"

"Beautiful," Stan completed for him. "Yes, we know."

"And she doesn't have small boobs. They're ripe and firm and pronounced. And her hair's all golden and her voice sounds like a baby angel. And she's got perfect teeth and skin."

"Looks like Kyle wants to get it owhn with a teacher," said Cartman.

"Shut up, fat boy."

"Ay!"

"Dude, you've done nothing but talk about her all day," said Stan. "She's not even a kid who goes here. She's a teacher."

"I know!" Kyle replied ecstatically. "How cool is that?"

"Unfortunately for Kyle, this makes it harder to get a blowjob out of her," said Cartman crudely.

"Muh-mmphmphmuhmphmmph," said Kenny.

"Cartman, shut up!"

"He's right, Kyle," said Stan. "You can't go after a teacher even if they are young and hot. Teachers are just, well, off-limits."

Kyle ignored him.

"I'll bet that she's the coolest girl ever," he continued. "We'll go to the park together and go round each other's houses and order take out on Fridays…"

"But we already get take out on Fridays," said Stan.

Again, Kyle ignored him.

"And we'll be the sort of couple that stays up all night long just talking. Talking about anything. Anything and everything. Everything and nothing. I just need a chance is all. How could I get to talk to her?"

"Hey, children," said a familiar cheery voice.

"Hey, Chef."

"How's it going?"

"Good."

"Why bad?"

"No Chef, we said it's going good," said Stan.

Chef paused.

"Oh," he said. "Okay."

"What?" asked Kyle.

"Uh, nothin', children, it's just that usually you have stuff goin' on and you need to talk about it to someone and…well, I'm the first person you usually go to."

"Well, Kyle's in love with the new teacher," joked Cartman. Kyle threw him a nasty glare.

"Oh, Miss Honey?" asked Chef.

"No, Miss Bunny," said Kyle.

"Oh. Well that's even better," Chef muttered.

"Huh?" asked Kyle.

"Uh, nothin', children." The four boys grabbed their lunches. "Now if you ever have anything bad goin' on, you know where I am if you need to talk."

As they wandered off, Kyle had a brainstorm. "That's it!"

"That's what?" asked Stan.

"Remember how Mr Garrison said that Miss Bunny is here for our benefit?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I'll bet that if I go to her with a lot of problems and a lot of things going bad and I need someone to talk to, I'll go to her and start a conversation with her about them and then we'll be talking forever!"

"Yeah, but that's only if you have real problems that are affecting your daily life and your homework," said Stan.

"I could have real problems that affect my daily life and my homework," said Kyle defensively as they took their seats.

"Well yeah, you are a Jew," said Cartman.

* * *

The following morning, Mr Mackey invited Miss Bunny into his office.

"Now, Miss Bunny, I appreciate you comin' in here. M'kay, I just wanna run a few questions past you, you see there are a few things I am concerned about, m'kay?"

"That's fine by me, Mr Mackey," replied Miss Bunny cordially.

"M'kay. Now, Miss Bunny, I understand that you've taken the position of a support teacher for the less able students."

"That's right."

Mr Mackey rose from his desk.

"Well, let me get straight to the point, m'kay. As the school councillor, it is my duty to inform you that we here at South Park Elementary find your ethics and practices as a support teacher rather unorthodox."

"What do you mean? I've only been here for a day."

"Miss Bunny, let me be frank." The skinny middle-ager approached the young woman and lowered his bloated head down to her level. "I do not approve of the open approach you have towards the children. I find them quite…taboo."

"Oh…kay?" said Miss Bunny cautiously.

"M'kay."

"Can you please be more specific, Mr Mackey?"

"Well, let's see, could you please tell me of your duties as a support teacher?"

Miss Bunny was suspicious, but nevertheless complied. "Well, I give a helping hand to those who are not as able both mentally and physically as the other students, offering my assistance to go over any information they need and helping them with their reading and writing. Every once in a while, I'd tend to them if they're having difficulties such as getting through doors and using the bathroom."

"M'kay. And where, Miss Bunny, pray tell, does your job description employ immoral practices?"

"E…excuse me?" asked the young teacher nervously.

"You must understand, Miss Bunny, that children of the fourth grade are hugely impressionable and naïve. They don't have a mature perception of morality. Our aim here at South Park Elementary is to lead them in the right direction. Any abuse of that position is never taken to kindly."

"I perfectly understand, Mr Mackey, but how does this have anything to do with the one day I've been employed here?" asked Miss Bunny.

The forty-year-old incarnation of Skeletor had now folded his arms and was looking at the nervous female through his large, steel-rimmed glasses with contempt.

"I am the student councillor, Miss Bunny and I will not have my position usurped."

Pause.

"Pardon me?"

"Now, take this as helpful criticism, m'kay? I believe you are just too friendly with the students and they look to you as some sort of pal that they can talk to and rely on."

Miss Bunny's mouth fell open.

"Now, don't look so shocked, Miss Bunny, m'kay?" Mr Mackey went on. "I mean no offence, I'm here to guide you. I'm the guidance councillor of the school. Not you. So stop acting like you are, you status-hungry bitch. M'kay?"

"Mr Mackey!" Miss Bunny exclaimed, staggered. "I've only been here for a day and been as cordial as anyone should be with the children! What makes you think I'm trying to be their guidance councillor?"

"Only yesterday, you threw a muffin at Eric Cartman at lunch because he threw the plastic skeleton at you in biology."

"Well, absolutely. He needs to know that I can play friendly banter as well."

"That's just it," said Mr Mackey. "Teachers must not in any way form friendships with their students. We save that for the sixth graders when they're all full of angst and drugs and messed up, m'kay? A teacher acting like she's an equal to the students is simply unethical and wrong. Just leave it to me to be their friend and help them through their miseries. As the school councillor, that is my job. All other teachers should remain distant to the students' affections."

"Now, you see, Mr Mackey, I think you're wrong. I believe that in order for children to feel safe in this world, adults should see eye-to-eye with them as much as possible. Adults are supposed to know what to do when things go wrong. Now, you and I were both children once. Surely, you remember how awful it felt to have a teacher abuse their so-called authority over you just because you made a paper airplane in class or threw eggs at the school or switched the sugar for salt in the teacher's lounge so they put salt in their coffee?"

By now, the young teacher had begun to giggle.

"Frankly, I don't, Miss Bunny," said Mr Mackey.

"Oh. Well, I do. When I was a kid, adults were enemies to me. They didn't know what was best for me, they just liked the idea that since they were slightly senior, they could boss me around whenever they felt like it. Mostly, I just wanted to stick firecrackers up their noses. I know what it's like to be a kid and feel alone. It's because adults are usually too far up their own asses to really care about what they're going through. But the thing is, I really do care for them. I think they're young and wonderful and so full of life and I want to be their friend. Is that really such a bad thing?"

A beat.

"Yes, it is!" Mr Mackey declared.

"What?" Miss Bunny cried.

"I am the school councillor and that's MY JOB!"

"You shouldn't try to make friends with the students just because it's your job, Mr Mackey. You should try to make friends with kids because you want to."

Mr Mackey collected himself and straightened his tie. He wandered over to the window and looked out.

"You know, Miss Bunny, there might be a way to rectify the situation."

"And what's that, Mr Mackey?"

The old man continued to look out of the window.

"I will not report your misconduct to Principal Victoria if you continue to remain submissive to my order."

"I cannot guarantee that I will, Mr Mackey. And also, I cannot promise you that Principal Victoria will be sympathetic to your reasons for disliking me and calling me a status-hungry bitch."

"I apologise," said the councillor in a monotone voice. He then turned around to the young woman and tilted his head to one side curiously. "Y'know, you look awful familiar. Have I seen you around somewhere before?"

The young teacher looked unabashed. "Oh, I don't know. Buying Kate Bush albums at a J-Mart sale?"

"That's…yeah, that's probably it. M'kay."

At this point, the door opened and a tentative Kyle wandered in.

"Uh, Miss Bunny? Can I talk to you for a second?"

"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about!" Mr Mackey proclaimed. Miss Bunny ignored him.

"What's the matter, Kyle?"

_She remembered my name!_ Kyle thought excitedly.

"Well, it's…it's kinda private. Do you mind going somewhere to talk about it privately before school?"

Miss Bunny turned to Mr Mackey, whose cheeks were tinged with red.

"Excuse me, Mr Mackey. Duty calls."

Kyle got a good look at her that morning. A black headband locked her golden brown hair back, revealing her delicate, heart-shaped face. She wore a pale yellow cardigan which was fastened up completely and a flowy, floral skirt danced around her sleek calves when she walked. Kyle suppressed a yelp of fanatic adoration. She was just like a Madonna, only better.

She followed Kyle out of Mr Mackey's office and down the hall. Kyle breathed a sigh of relief – the halls were sparse and Cartman wasn't in sight.

"Where would you like to go to talk, Kyle?" asked Miss Bunny.

_Damn_, thought Kyle. He hadn't thought that far yet. It was success enough that he got Miss Bunny's attention.

"Uh, somewhere where no-one will hear us or see us. Somewhere where we won't be bothered because where we're going is too lame and boring," said Kyle.

Miss Bunny's eyes widened. "There's a Dawson's Creek fanclub in the school too?"

Kyle sniggered. This lady had a sense of humour? That in itself exempts her from the rest of the teachers.

"Let's go to the theatre," he said. "It's virtually ignored. Only kindergarteners will be there, practising their new pantomime."

"I love the theatre, man," Miss Bunny grinned.

Kyle stopped in his footsteps. "Did you just say 'man'?"

"Is this it?" she said, coming to a halt outside the school theatre. They went inside. Sure enough, some kindergarteners were running around on the stage, being 'taught' by Mrs Schneider, who was always hungover. The pair took a seat right at the back of the auditorium. They watched as she rounded the children up and gave them their hand-held props. Miss Bunny didn't pressure Kyle into talking, unlike Mr Mackey. This was an approach that was unfamiliar to Kyle. He began the conversation.

"So. How are you finding South Park Elementary?" he asked.

"I'm really liking it so far. Everyone's really nice to me," answered Miss Bunny in her sweet, melodic voice.

_I'll bet_, thought Kyle.

"Yeah, you wanna watch the alleys behind the playground, though," he said. "The sixth graders usually hang out there and cause shit—I mean, trouble." He blushed as he restrained himself. However, to his sweet delight, Miss Bunny laughed.

"Sixth graders only live for one reason – to cause shit," she chortled.

Kyle chuckled too. "Wow! Did you just say 'shit'?"

"Yep," said Miss Bunny, smiling as she watched the kindergartners practice their dance.

"You're not gonna yell at me for saying a bad word?" asked Kyle.

"Why would I do that?" asked Miss Bunny.

"I dunno. Cos it's bad?"

"Kyle, Cartman calling you a stupid Jew and forcing you to eat your own parents is bad. Saying 'shit' really isn't."

"Wow, Miss Bunny," said Kyle enthusiastically. "You're cool!"

"Aww, thank you Kyle, I think you're pretty cool too," said Miss Bunny kindly.

Kyle was glad that it was relatively dark in the theatre. He didn't quite want Miss Bunny to see just how red his face had got.

"I don't think you took me here because you want to talk about how I'm holding up with Timmy and the rest of the class though, right?" she asked in a more gentle manner.

"Uh…no," said Kyle. Cue sad piano music. "You see, Miss Bunny, I'm worried for my brother, Ike."

"Ike? Oh yeah, the little Canadian boy."

"Yeah."

"Why are you worried for him?"

"I think he's getting picked on."

"Oh. Getting picked on, how?"

"Oh, you know," said Kyle uneasily. _Just keep making shit up – you're doing great!_ "Just every now and then, he'll come back from school looking really sad. And the other week, I saw him handing over something to the other kindergarteners. I think it was something that belonged to him and he didn't look too happy about it."

"Well, do your parents know?" asked Miss Bunny.

"I don't think so," said Kyle. "And if they did, so what? What are they gonna do about it? They're just grownups."

"I understand, Kyle."

At that moment, the school bell rang. End sad piano music. Kyle suddenly got up, looking perky.

"Well, there's the bell! Gotta get to class now!"

"Hey, I'll race you there," said Miss Bunny.

_This teacher is too freaking good to be true!_


End file.
